Archive for humor

UNBELIEVABLE SECRET COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!! (and other, less exciting stuff) 

Posted in erotic, fashion, fetish, FLICKR, lingerie, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, pinup, sexual, Sexy, tennessee, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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SEX BLOGGER SHARES SHAMEFUL SECRET!

There are plumbers, nurses, engineers, gardeners, and cabbies; all of them, and thousands more, pursue honorable vocations. While their skill and efficiency may vary, at the end of the day each may say she earned an honest dollar for her honest labors.

Not so with headline writers. They, like lawyers, car salesmen and politicians, lie in the worst possible way: by telling a bent, twisted and   black and white version of the truth.sabrina2

Because newspapers and magazines desperately wanted you to buy their rag, the front page – or cover – screamed a bevy of large type come ons: The Shocking Truth About…. Will the World End Next Week… Goat Born with Three Heads… If you fell for the lure of one of the headlines you usually found out, when your read the article, the truth was much less shocking than the cover’s implied promise.

Today, as newspapers and magazines fade from the scene, digital media has taken up the art of writing alluring headlines. If old media angled for sales, Internet outlets crave hits. They don’t really care if you read the piece you click through to; your click is enough.

I admit, given my modest audience, I’ve been tempted to attempt to imitate my Internet betters. I normally try to find a song, book or film title or quote, or a play on words to head a post. These headers are usually honest in an plain spoken  kind of way; they do not promise more than their subsequent text delivers. But with each post I edge closer to hyping the content: The Most Depraved Women in the World! – Shocking Tales of Sexual Depravity! – Depraved Political Tricks! Monster Ants Attack!

But – if I do fall prey to the unprincipled practice of pure postal prevarication – I promise, at least, to do my best to feel ashamed.

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HILLBILLY COEDS PLAN CAMPUS ORGY!

There was a fairly bad English play once titled, “No Sex Please, We’re British.” While wildly popular in Britain in the seventies despite near universal critical scorn, the play managed a mere sixteen performances when it crossed the Atlantic.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someone writes a sequel entitled No Sex Please, We’re Tennesseans. The University of Tennessee’s student run Sex Week scheduled for early April has drawn the ire of several of our esteemed legislators. They were shocked – shocked – by the thought students might be interested in sex on campus and might actually want to enhance their sexual knowledge. The lawmakers demanded the University withdraw all funding for the one week program.

The university, citing the long cherished principle of academic freedom, stood firm…

You didn’t believe that, did you?

Of course the university mostly bailed and withdrew all university funding for the program but did allow a modest amount of student funds to remain available to fund the (greatly reduced) bacchanalian sex romp.

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The outraged legislators are, of course, not mollified. They point out student fees are not voluntary and, therefore, money extracted from God fearing, pure minded Christian students will go to fund depravity.

The Vegas line is one in twenty-seven  Sex Week will actually happen in Knoxville next month. Personally, I wouldn’t take those odds. This is Tennessee, after all.

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THE SHOCKING SECRET DEMOCRATS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

Politicians are a craven lot. Large majorities of the populace support universal background checks and restrictions on large gun magazines. The outlook for any gun control legislation passing, however, remains poor. The proposed assault rifle prohibition died prematurely without coming up for a vote at the hands of Harry Reid last week, done in by the defection of  red state Democratic senators.

The NRA has managed to rouse its horde of single issue votes once again. “Safe district” Republicans would never support gun control (and would probably vote to legalize private ownership of bazookas and tanks). Democrats remain deeply traumatized by the party’s 1994 Congressional wipeout that followed their vote to ban assault rifles. Democrats in the house and Senate pray they won’t have to vote at all. Voting against would enflame the party’s base but voting for would likely mean facing a NRA firing squad. Public support for gun control, while temporarily strong, will wain as time passes. On the other hand, the NRA never forgets.

Once the public glare of Sandy Hook fades away, Democratic politicians will slither away in the gathering darkness, giving thanks they can  make soothing noises but nothing more – at least until the next gun massacre hits the news.

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photos by Alan Antiporda, subject to this creative commons license. Click images for details.

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TGURLS IN THE TABLOIDS!

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One Handed Prose

Posted in erotic, fetish, FLICKR, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, Sexy, Uncategorized, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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All photos by Sawomasak, subject to this creative commons license
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What would the internet be without porn? Porn is ubiquitous. Online here, there & everywhere. Softcore, hardcore, weirdcore – video, audio, pictoral and text. Probably there is musical porn, painted porn, mosaic porn, telegraph porn, semaphore porn. Porn for boys, girls, men, women, TG men, TG women, heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, tricycles. Porn for necrophiliacs, emetophiliacs, agalmatophiliacs, somnophiliacs, and archnephiliacs (and a myriad other “acs”).

In short, lots and lots and lots of porn on the internet.

Or so I’v been told. Personally, I don’t care for any kind and haven’t since I was thirteen or so. I looked at an early Playboy and it seemed so – well – crass. The closest I’ve come to watching or reading porn sicen was viewing the early Lucille Ball films.

My good friend Micky, however, adores porn. All kinds. But, being of the old fashioned school, he particularly likes written porn. Tale of Two Titties, Catch 69,  that sort of thing. I consulted extensively with Micky in preparation for writing this post. He very graciously shared his extensive expertise with Visions. I must confess I blushed during much of Micky’s lecture; and I fainted once during his rather lurid description of the Internet’s better bestiality sites.

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Micky said when it comes to the world of written porn plot, originality, character development, motivation, vivid and nimble prose and ultimate meaning count for very, very little (OK, for nothing…) Proper spelling and punctuation,  while preferred, are not essential. Decent grammar is a plus. Micky says there is only one  thing that matters to good porn writing – depiction of  at least four  sex acts per page. Kinky sex acts are even better. Multiple people kinky sex is best. The average porn reader, Micky point out, wants to spend no more time than necessary  (five minutes tops) reaching the story’s climax.

Written porn on the ‘net is mostly in the form first popularized by Penthouse magazine in the eighties in its readers’ forum sections: three to four page, first person tales of outlandish debaucheryl like, “boy meets girl, girl blows boy, boy fucks girl in the ass, boy learns girl is a tranny, boy blows girl, boy gets fucked in the ass, boy goes home to discover his wife sucking her dachsund’s delicious dong while her daddy  is watching). No redeeming social value unless you count efficient masturbation as a social good.

But, to Micky’s surprise, there is some well written hardcore erotic fiction on the net. This high class stuff arouses your brain as well as your genitals. I haven’t read any of it – because I am such a pure person – but I mostly trust Micky’s judgment; he minored in English in college back in the late sixties (he majored in Abrasive Studies).

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So Wrong – the Collected Pornographica of Elsie – contains a variety of well written, thoughtful stories blending hardcore sex and surreal plots or characters.  The Summer I Learned to Fly, a story of bisexual incest between characters with surprising super powers, is powerful. Most  one handed porn is imminently forgettable, Micky tells me he’s still chewing on Elsie’s imaginative stories. Summer’s protagonist is a teen girl with cerebral palsy who is obsessed with sex.  Micky made me read this this small excerpt from the story:

It was a tough time for me. I’m sure it was hard for my older brother and sister too, but at the time I was too self-centered and wrapped up in my own problems to think about them. I was an awkward kid, introverted and perpetually self-conscious. I have Cerebral Palsy, which means my legs are twisted like pretzels and I need two canes and leg braces to walk; ugly metal braces that clunk with each step. To compound that, I was a late bloomer, compared to all the other girls in my class. I finally hit puberty, and it was like an F-16 switching on the afterburner. Paradoxically, that just made me feel like even more of an outsider. I got my period, fitfully and unpredictably, and I started growing breasts; small but sensitive speed bumps that made me feel like everyone was always staring at my chest. My sexuality suddenly made the quantum leap from occasionally having my G.I. Joes and Barbies play out unnatural acts together to furtive pornography-looking and actual masturbation. Lots and lots of actual masturbation.

I was impressed. Reminded me a bit of early Flannery O’Conner. I asked Micky if there were any G rated stories by Elsie. He just laughed. As he stood there I suddenly noticed his hairy palms and that his new pair of glasses had much thicker lenses than his old ones.

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Lara

PORN IN ART

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FLICKR & THE NEWS!

Posted in FLICKR, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Offbeat news matched with Flickr groups…

My Kingdom for a Horse!

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Horse flesh keeping popping up in food. One of the latest guilty parties, according to news reports, is Burger King…

Horses in Need – Meat Club

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A Devil of a Sweater

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There are so many risks in everyday life: automobile accidents, disease,  pollution, falling meteors, bad mayo …  But who knew you had to worry your sweater (or other clothing)  might cast you into Hell!?

Sweater BondageHell’s Geography

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It Ain’t Mothers’ Day for Sure!

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You know your mom loves you when she drowns  you in the tub cause your dong’s too short… You know he loved mom cause he posed with her just severed (by him) head

Big Bad Asian Mama – Penis Cock (xxx) – Disembodied Heads

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You want Fries with That?

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A truck carrying ketchup – lots and lots of ketchup, wrecked in Reno. When the cops arrived and surveyed the huge red stain on the road they wondered where all the bodies were.

Tomato KetchupReno Rocks

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There’s an App for That?

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The iPad is  so versatile; it has hundreds of different uses! a New York fireman  came up with a unique new use: using it to bash his wife twice on her head. She was treated for her injuries at the scene  – no word on the iPad’s condition…

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For photo credit, click each photo – all subject to this creative commons license 

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Can You Handle the Truth…?

Posted in erotic, FLICKR, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, satire, Sexy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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What is She Hiding and WHY!??

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Because of illness and a wretched work load, Cliff Michaels is unable to post anything coherent on Visions. Desperate to find a temporary replacement, he has turned the blog over to his nephew Gerard for the day.
Gerard prefers not to disclose his last name or address. He describes himself as a deep & clear thinker and an inventor of various aluminum cranial cloaking devices. His eBook, Why Everything You know is Wrong, is available on his encrypted website, but he refuses to divulge the URL, saying only that his site is on the real internet. Here is his first Visions post:

We live in a world of deceit. The Powers that Be keep 99.99% of us enthralled in a web of lies. Why do they work so hard to deceive us? To keep us from rising up against them and reclaiming the world for ordinary people.

Here are the correct facts about a few of the scientific claims pushed on us by those who would remain our overloads…

1. The universe is Inconceivably huge and getting bigger by the day. This is a monstrous lie! Why the claim? Well, they want you to believe it so you will feel so small and insignificant you will live a life a passive despair. Here’s the actual truth (it will set you free!)

The actual shape and size of the universe is a sphere with a diameter of slightly less than twenty-six thousand miles. Except for Earth and Moon, nothing in the universe is larger than a medium sized Himalayan mountain. Jupiter, for instance, is no bigger than an NFL stadium (with Volkswagen sized moons – except for Ganymede which is just bigger than a entry level yacht), jupiter3cand is a mere seven hundred eighteen miles from earth. The Andromeda galaxy, which they claim is hundreds of thousands of lightyears across is, in truth, roughly the size of a turkey egg; and Betelgeuse, a so called giant red star, is just smaller than a ping pong ball and a mere nine thousand four hundred miles from us. Finally, the sun is no larger than Pasadena, California.

Is there life out in our diminutive universe? Yes, but it is confined to various species of simple fungus and two varieties of lice infesting the Magellanic Clouds (together the size of the puff of smoke rising from a small kitchen match).

There are literally thousands of liberated Americans who have explored the universe from side to side and top to bottom. Their attempts to reveal the truth to the deceived populations of our planet have, of course, been viciously suppressed, with many of them being held in so-called mental health facilities.

2. Infinite prime numbers exist. A prime number is defined as an odd number divisible by only itself and one. The mathematicians, in cahoots with the Overlords, suppress any knowledge of thousands upon thousands of numbers that are actual factors of the so-called primes. Every prime above 3301819, for instance, is divisible by XG2#A3 (as uncovered in 1962 by John W. Birch). Even the claim prime numbers must be odd is a lie: 557037 3270183181665 09805248110 9678989410 has been known as a “prime number” by liberated numerologists since Bastille Day in 1854.

3. The world is a round sphere. This is so obvious I almost did not include it. The actual shape of our planet,world as most enlightened observers know, is a four sided pyramid with a very slight two sevenths of degree bulge along the eastern most edge, with a base measuring six thousand miles on each side and a height of eight and a half thousand miles. Naturally, the north pole is at the tip of the pyramid and Antarctica covers four elevenths of the base.

4. Radioactivity is a menace. Actually, there is no such thing as radioactivity. Madam Currie was killed by French secret police to prevent her disclosing the hoax the world. Ask yourself this: Why did Japanese authorities work so hard to keep the inner workings of the  Fujiama reactors top secret and whether not the so called tidal wave was really a ruse (the japanese are plenty smart – why would the build so close to the sea??) Three Mile Island was really a factory making miniature, low cost nuclear mind control devices!

That is all I can reveal to you at present. Because of the ever present satellite surveillance, I must change my location every thirty-three minutes (it takes a bit longer than that for the Overlord sky probes to burn through my crinkly reflective cranial protector). Next time – How governments manipulate the shape and color of clouds to control your sex life…

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For photo credit and license, click on image. Top photo foreground (jupiter) is here.

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Pornlandia

Posted in fetish, FLICKR, memoir, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, Sexy, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Once upon a time, before the Internet, hotel porn, blue movies on CD’s or DVD’s, if you wanted to see hardcore porn on film the only option was a visit to your friendly neighborhood, singleplex porn theater.The neighborhood wasn’t yours, of course, and it certainly wasn’t friendly.After you paid an outrageous sum to a man in a stained shirt, with a weak chin, three day stubble, dirty finger nails and dull eyes straight out of Deliverance, you could spend a couple of hours in the sour smelling, darkened interior nervously watching halfway attractive women doing wicked things with tattooed unattractive men.

I never masturbated in the fetid darkness – I never brought my raincoat. Nor did I want to do anything to draw the attention of the dozen or so other men: rumpled silhouettes against the under lit screen.Those might be queers or homos. I didn’t exactly know what queers and homos did to each other but I knew it was a disgusting abomination and would damn you to endless hellfire if you did it. I’d just sit in my broken down seat in the back row, furtive and still, and gaze intently at the semi-silver screen, half aroused, half repelled by what I saw.

At least in Knoxville’s porn palace the variety of porn was pretty tame (at least compared to today’s cornucopia of digital BDSM, T-girls, Bukkaki, MILF banging, scat, golden showers, anal fisting, bestiality, and other similarly wholesome activities). In those days the action consisted of fucking and sucking interspersed with laughingly bad dialog and acting. Some films had no sound, or horrible lighting; others only flirted with crisp focus.

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Of course, once porn went legit with the advent of the VCR, sex films started being made with big budgets, passable acting, and an actual plot. The industry even developed its own convention and award show (and the winner for the best actress in a lesbian threesome fisting scene is…)

When porn moved out of the shadows is became much easier for its patrons, especially women. Instead of taking chances in a big dark spooky room full of potential perverts, you could slip through the curtain and into the clean, well lit adult section of your friendly neighborhood video rental store (which was really friendly and maybe even in your neighborhood). The choice was much wider; you could porn4find almost legitimate movies with professional lighting and cinematography, and real plots about pretty, promiscuous women giving themselves – with articulated, proper motivation – joyfully to handsome men, or other women, in pretty places and sporting a title evoking a popular book or film (Thunder Balls, Big, Whore and Piece, Catch 69, or Beverly Hills Cock). If on the other hand, you just wanted pure, unadulterated sex with no pretensions of plot, dialog or locale, there were tapes for you like Best Brazilian Blowjobs of 1985 , Stuffing Slick Snatches #41, or John Holmes Cumshot Compilation (four hours!)

Now the Internet has killed the porn business as it existed from the late seventies through the early oughts. Porn now wants to be free – and mostly is. My porn budget was always modest: a Penthouse Forum or hardcore magazine every other month or so, and maybe three or four DVD’s (at fifty to sixty bucks each) a year (tip: never go to the porn store drunk).

I haven’t paid for porn in years. When the net was new the early porn sites made tons of money, particularly those catering to men enthralled by one or more of the more popular kinks.Popular web sites insisted you sign up for a year or more, and pay upfront, demanding your credit card information. I was too cheap – and too parenoid – to indulge my own particular kinks. I stuck to brick and mortar erotica.porn2 Now sex sites beg for a dollar a month and put out free porn hoping to entice you to part with some money. The more porn sites go online, and the more freebies they offer, the less anyone has a reason to pay.There are, for instance, about a million lesbian porn flics on Porn Hub.Their quality might not be high def – even medium def – but every one is free, gloriously free! Just Google your dong’s desire and in less than a second your screen will fill with a list of hundred of links.

Today, if I feel the need, I can enjoy all the free Internet porn I want – text, photos or video – of any kind, of any length, featuring any fetish or outrageous sexual activity (straight, gay or bi). Thanks to the rather puritanical Steve Jobs, I can now watch, or read, porn on my iPad 2 in the privacy of my bedroom while snacking on a roll of Ritz crackers and a pint of skim milk (and with a small box of Kleenex on the bedside table for my after show sanitary needs). How, I ask, could life be better?

Best of all? Most days I don’t even mind anymore that I’m alone…

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For photo credits and creative commons license click each image

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COLEOPTERA HOMONYMICA!!

Posted in automobiles, FLICKR, history, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Beetles! – Wet Beetles – Beetle Mania – Lovable beetles ..

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Blinged beetles – Arty Beetles (etc.) – Beetle, beetle, burning bright… – Kafkaesq Beetles

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VW Beetles – more Beetles – even more –New BeetlesOld Beetles – Mutant Beetles –  Finnish(ed)  – metálico escarabajo – Taking the air Fusca brasil

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I Just Don’t Understand

Here, There and Everywhere

I’m Happy Just to Dance with You

 Revolution 

………………….Everyone’s Trying to be my Baby

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For photo credit and creative commons license, click each image. All remixes by Visions. Remixes of photos subject to this creative commons license are subject to the same licensed.

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You’re Kidding Me, Right!?

Posted in FLICKR, history, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Idiocy on Parade


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If only we’d known… Slavery could have been avoided in America if blacks had possessed firearms in 1776.

“We are looking for a peaceful protest,” Ward said. Continuing, “I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”  Larry Ward, gun nut

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Does Hobby Lobby go to church?

Hobby Lobby founder contests Obamacare contraception mandate claiming it violates he religious convictions. Somehow I doubt the company is a sole proprietorship or partnership. If I’m right then I’m at a loss to understand what the religious beliefs of  mere officers or stockholders have to do with the corporate “person” (hat tip to Mitt). On the other hand, the Supreme Court has ruled corporations have the First Amendment right to free speech so maybe they can have the right of religious liberty too.

Obama nixes Death Star

In yet another sign Obama is dangerously soft on national defense, his administration announced it would not build a Death Star despite the popular clamor. Even more shocking was the President’s rejection of destroying enemy planets, giving our other worldly enemies aid and comfort.

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Gun nut loses right to carry concealed weapon after exercising his right to free speech.

I don’t like gun nuts and I believe in strict regulation of firearms, including banning assault rifles and oversixed magazines. Despite those beliefs, I find it outrageous that my home state of Tennessee revoked James Yeager’s permit to cary a concealed weapon because of  his statement calling for other gun nuts to lcck & load to be ready to combat federal gun control. Its fashionable these days for gun advocates to claim one of the justifications for the Second Amendment is for citizens to be able to go to war with a tyrannical government. Tennessee has more than its share of such true believers. What Yeager said, while ugly, surely falls under the First Amendment’s protection. If I’m right then I don’t see how his right to carry can be curbed.

Update: It appears, from this blog post, that Yeager violated Tennessee’s constitutional ban on dueling.

Libertarian promises to have no contact with traitors who voted for Obama.

Eric Dondero, a passionate libertarian and Obama hater, is promising to shun forever all Democrats and Obama voters, even those who are part of his family:

  I’m choosing another rather unique path; a personal boycott, if you will. Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.

If only every wingnut would follow the same policy I wouldn’t be forced to listen to their harangues against Obama’s attempt to destroy America with Sharia law, gun bans, or the destruction of  Christianity.

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The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer – even in Monopoly. 

The iconic game is dumping one of its working class tokens – thimble, iron, boot or the wheelbarrow. The upper crust tokens – battleship, top hat, scottie dog, and the race car are untouchable. Next thing you know players will have to pass a credit check to get in the game.

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For photo credit click on each image – all subject to this creative commons license

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