Archive for funny

UNBELIEVABLE SECRET COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER!! (and other, less exciting stuff) 

Posted in erotic, fashion, fetish, FLICKR, lingerie, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, pinup, sexual, Sexy, tennessee, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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SEX BLOGGER SHARES SHAMEFUL SECRET!

There are plumbers, nurses, engineers, gardeners, and cabbies; all of them, and thousands more, pursue honorable vocations. While their skill and efficiency may vary, at the end of the day each may say she earned an honest dollar for her honest labors.

Not so with headline writers. They, like lawyers, car salesmen and politicians, lie in the worst possible way: by telling a bent, twisted and   black and white version of the truth.sabrina2

Because newspapers and magazines desperately wanted you to buy their rag, the front page – or cover – screamed a bevy of large type come ons: The Shocking Truth About…. Will the World End Next Week… Goat Born with Three Heads… If you fell for the lure of one of the headlines you usually found out, when your read the article, the truth was much less shocking than the cover’s implied promise.

Today, as newspapers and magazines fade from the scene, digital media has taken up the art of writing alluring headlines. If old media angled for sales, Internet outlets crave hits. They don’t really care if you read the piece you click through to; your click is enough.

I admit, given my modest audience, I’ve been tempted to attempt to imitate my Internet betters. I normally try to find a song, book or film title or quote, or a play on words to head a post. These headers are usually honest in an plain spoken  kind of way; they do not promise more than their subsequent text delivers. But with each post I edge closer to hyping the content: The Most Depraved Women in the World! – Shocking Tales of Sexual Depravity! – Depraved Political Tricks! Monster Ants Attack!

But – if I do fall prey to the unprincipled practice of pure postal prevarication – I promise, at least, to do my best to feel ashamed.

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HILLBILLY COEDS PLAN CAMPUS ORGY!

There was a fairly bad English play once titled, “No Sex Please, We’re British.” While wildly popular in Britain in the seventies despite near universal critical scorn, the play managed a mere sixteen performances when it crossed the Atlantic.

I wouldn’t be surprised if someone writes a sequel entitled No Sex Please, We’re Tennesseans. The University of Tennessee’s student run Sex Week scheduled for early April has drawn the ire of several of our esteemed legislators. They were shocked – shocked – by the thought students might be interested in sex on campus and might actually want to enhance their sexual knowledge. The lawmakers demanded the University withdraw all funding for the one week program.

The university, citing the long cherished principle of academic freedom, stood firm…

You didn’t believe that, did you?

Of course the university mostly bailed and withdrew all university funding for the program but did allow a modest amount of student funds to remain available to fund the (greatly reduced) bacchanalian sex romp.

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The outraged legislators are, of course, not mollified. They point out student fees are not voluntary and, therefore, money extracted from God fearing, pure minded Christian students will go to fund depravity.

The Vegas line is one in twenty-seven  Sex Week will actually happen in Knoxville next month. Personally, I wouldn’t take those odds. This is Tennessee, after all.

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THE SHOCKING SECRET DEMOCRATS DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!

Politicians are a craven lot. Large majorities of the populace support universal background checks and restrictions on large gun magazines. The outlook for any gun control legislation passing, however, remains poor. The proposed assault rifle prohibition died prematurely without coming up for a vote at the hands of Harry Reid last week, done in by the defection of  red state Democratic senators.

The NRA has managed to rouse its horde of single issue votes once again. “Safe district” Republicans would never support gun control (and would probably vote to legalize private ownership of bazookas and tanks). Democrats remain deeply traumatized by the party’s 1994 Congressional wipeout that followed their vote to ban assault rifles. Democrats in the house and Senate pray they won’t have to vote at all. Voting against would enflame the party’s base but voting for would likely mean facing a NRA firing squad. Public support for gun control, while temporarily strong, will wain as time passes. On the other hand, the NRA never forgets.

Once the public glare of Sandy Hook fades away, Democratic politicians will slither away in the gathering darkness, giving thanks they can  make soothing noises but nothing more – at least until the next gun massacre hits the news.

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photos by Alan Antiporda, subject to this creative commons license. Click images for details.

More of Sabanas

TGURLS IN THE TABLOIDS!

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Can You Handle the Truth…?

Posted in erotic, FLICKR, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, satire, Sexy with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 6, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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What is She Hiding and WHY!??

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Because of illness and a wretched work load, Cliff Michaels is unable to post anything coherent on Visions. Desperate to find a temporary replacement, he has turned the blog over to his nephew Gerard for the day.
Gerard prefers not to disclose his last name or address. He describes himself as a deep & clear thinker and an inventor of various aluminum cranial cloaking devices. His eBook, Why Everything You know is Wrong, is available on his encrypted website, but he refuses to divulge the URL, saying only that his site is on the real internet. Here is his first Visions post:

We live in a world of deceit. The Powers that Be keep 99.99% of us enthralled in a web of lies. Why do they work so hard to deceive us? To keep us from rising up against them and reclaiming the world for ordinary people.

Here are the correct facts about a few of the scientific claims pushed on us by those who would remain our overloads…

1. The universe is Inconceivably huge and getting bigger by the day. This is a monstrous lie! Why the claim? Well, they want you to believe it so you will feel so small and insignificant you will live a life a passive despair. Here’s the actual truth (it will set you free!)

The actual shape and size of the universe is a sphere with a diameter of slightly less than twenty-six thousand miles. Except for Earth and Moon, nothing in the universe is larger than a medium sized Himalayan mountain. Jupiter, for instance, is no bigger than an NFL stadium (with Volkswagen sized moons – except for Ganymede which is just bigger than a entry level yacht), jupiter3cand is a mere seven hundred eighteen miles from earth. The Andromeda galaxy, which they claim is hundreds of thousands of lightyears across is, in truth, roughly the size of a turkey egg; and Betelgeuse, a so called giant red star, is just smaller than a ping pong ball and a mere nine thousand four hundred miles from us. Finally, the sun is no larger than Pasadena, California.

Is there life out in our diminutive universe? Yes, but it is confined to various species of simple fungus and two varieties of lice infesting the Magellanic Clouds (together the size of the puff of smoke rising from a small kitchen match).

There are literally thousands of liberated Americans who have explored the universe from side to side and top to bottom. Their attempts to reveal the truth to the deceived populations of our planet have, of course, been viciously suppressed, with many of them being held in so-called mental health facilities.

2. Infinite prime numbers exist. A prime number is defined as an odd number divisible by only itself and one. The mathematicians, in cahoots with the Overlords, suppress any knowledge of thousands upon thousands of numbers that are actual factors of the so-called primes. Every prime above 3301819, for instance, is divisible by XG2#A3 (as uncovered in 1962 by John W. Birch). Even the claim prime numbers must be odd is a lie: 557037 3270183181665 09805248110 9678989410 has been known as a “prime number” by liberated numerologists since Bastille Day in 1854.

3. The world is a round sphere. This is so obvious I almost did not include it. The actual shape of our planet,world as most enlightened observers know, is a four sided pyramid with a very slight two sevenths of degree bulge along the eastern most edge, with a base measuring six thousand miles on each side and a height of eight and a half thousand miles. Naturally, the north pole is at the tip of the pyramid and Antarctica covers four elevenths of the base.

4. Radioactivity is a menace. Actually, there is no such thing as radioactivity. Madam Currie was killed by French secret police to prevent her disclosing the hoax the world. Ask yourself this: Why did Japanese authorities work so hard to keep the inner workings of the  Fujiama reactors top secret and whether not the so called tidal wave was really a ruse (the japanese are plenty smart – why would the build so close to the sea??) Three Mile Island was really a factory making miniature, low cost nuclear mind control devices!

That is all I can reveal to you at present. Because of the ever present satellite surveillance, I must change my location every thirty-three minutes (it takes a bit longer than that for the Overlord sky probes to burn through my crinkly reflective cranial protector). Next time – How governments manipulate the shape and color of clouds to control your sex life…

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For photo credit and license, click on image. Top photo foreground (jupiter) is here.

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You’re Kidding Me, Right!?

Posted in FLICKR, history, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, politics with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Idiocy on Parade


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If only we’d known… Slavery could have been avoided in America if blacks had possessed firearms in 1776.

“We are looking for a peaceful protest,” Ward said. Continuing, “I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history.”  Larry Ward, gun nut

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Does Hobby Lobby go to church?

Hobby Lobby founder contests Obamacare contraception mandate claiming it violates he religious convictions. Somehow I doubt the company is a sole proprietorship or partnership. If I’m right then I’m at a loss to understand what the religious beliefs of  mere officers or stockholders have to do with the corporate “person” (hat tip to Mitt). On the other hand, the Supreme Court has ruled corporations have the First Amendment right to free speech so maybe they can have the right of religious liberty too.

Obama nixes Death Star

In yet another sign Obama is dangerously soft on national defense, his administration announced it would not build a Death Star despite the popular clamor. Even more shocking was the President’s rejection of destroying enemy planets, giving our other worldly enemies aid and comfort.

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Gun nut loses right to carry concealed weapon after exercising his right to free speech.

I don’t like gun nuts and I believe in strict regulation of firearms, including banning assault rifles and oversixed magazines. Despite those beliefs, I find it outrageous that my home state of Tennessee revoked James Yeager’s permit to cary a concealed weapon because of  his statement calling for other gun nuts to lcck & load to be ready to combat federal gun control. Its fashionable these days for gun advocates to claim one of the justifications for the Second Amendment is for citizens to be able to go to war with a tyrannical government. Tennessee has more than its share of such true believers. What Yeager said, while ugly, surely falls under the First Amendment’s protection. If I’m right then I don’t see how his right to carry can be curbed.

Update: It appears, from this blog post, that Yeager violated Tennessee’s constitutional ban on dueling.

Libertarian promises to have no contact with traitors who voted for Obama.

Eric Dondero, a passionate libertarian and Obama hater, is promising to shun forever all Democrats and Obama voters, even those who are part of his family:

  I’m choosing another rather unique path; a personal boycott, if you will. Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt.

If only every wingnut would follow the same policy I wouldn’t be forced to listen to their harangues against Obama’s attempt to destroy America with Sharia law, gun bans, or the destruction of  Christianity.

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The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer – even in Monopoly. 

The iconic game is dumping one of its working class tokens – thimble, iron, boot or the wheelbarrow. The upper crust tokens – battleship, top hat, scottie dog, and the race car are untouchable. Next thing you know players will have to pass a credit check to get in the game.

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For photo credit click on each image – all subject to this creative commons license

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Eat Your Vegetables!

Posted in fashion, FLICKR, pinup, Sexy, Uncategorized, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 1, 2013 by cliffmichaels

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Lettuce at ’em!

Photo from Talk Radio News Service, original photo and remix subject to this creative commons license 

Talk Radio’s set Peta’s Sexy Lettuce Ladies 

FLICKR GROUPS

Vegans, Vegetarians & Friends of Animals  –  Salads  – My Cat Loves Veggies  – Only Green Bikinis – Peta2

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NEWTOWN

Posted in FLICKR, politics, satire with tags , , , , , , on December 15, 2012 by cliffmichaels

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BANNER

Public Domain

While there is of course nothing I could write today about the Connecticut shooting that would be original or truly meaningful, it does seem important to mention it.  Because of the number killed and tender age of most of the victims, this episode of lunatic gun frenzy seems worse than the dozens of others in my lifetime.

The sad litany of voices and arguments  we have heard after each massacre has begun. “Guns don’t kill children people do.” “It’s too early! Don’t politicize this tragedy!”  “How can anyone defend automatic weapons and twenty shot magazines!?” ” Why is America so obsessed with firearms?”

Mike Huckabee won the race to be the first right wing pundit to bleat that tired old pro-gun talking point: if that teacher had only had a gun…”  Yes, I can see it now. As the crazed shooter breaks into the classroom brandishing his semi-automatic pistols, our teacher frantically hunts for her over sized handbag, hurriedly digs through the layers of  junk for her six shooter. takes time to load (wouldn’t want to have a loaded gun in a room full of curious kindergarten kids), then calmly turns toward the madman and drills him right between the eyes – after he’s had time to mow down only half the class (all this assumes the killer is too dumb to shoot the teacher first)!

Huckabee missed the obvious answer:  the kids should have been packing. Your average seven year old, and precocious five and six year olds, are certainly mature enough to carry concealed weapons (if properly trained). Imagine how this tragedy would have been avoided if an entire class of elementary school children had pulled their guns from their backpacks and then riddled the unsuspecting villain with a fusillade of well aimed hot lead!

My solution would crete a whole new market for the firearm industry. Tiny shots from tiny tots! Girls would likely gravitate toward Barbie’s BAM-BAM pink Derringer, while boys would drool over pearl handled shiny six shooters specially crafted to fit comfortably in little boy hands. If these small firearms don’t have enough stopping power the makers could easily offer the kids hollow point ammunition for just a few dollars more. To be sure our pint sized posses are full of deadeye marks-boys/girls, school recess could be replaced with mandatory target and fast draw practice.

Why, I suspect that when a majority of first through third graders start carrying guns their grades will shoot way up. Little Billy’s Glock will help his teachers see just how truly special he is (“Ms. Smith, your little Billy has made real progress on his anger issues. We want to promote him to middle school – tomorrow!”) And there may even be other benefits as well. No more playground bullies?

Sadly, thanks to the liberal elite in our country my common sense plan to stop school shootouts will never see the light of day. It’ll be the same thing that happened when I proposed giving obsolete  artillery pieces to the Boy Scouts…

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FLICKR GROUPS

AMOURY INSIDE

AUTOMATIC WEAPONS

GUNZ

CANNON FIRE!

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THE SHOCKING TRUTH ABOUT MITT ROMNEY!!

Posted in FLICKR, history, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, religion, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 22, 2012 by cliffmichaels

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Click image for photo credit

There’s a new Obama conspiracy making the rounds of  the right wing nutter websites. Yes, it goes, Obama was born in America – but his real father was a communist! This indisputable fact of course explains why the President is a secret socialist muslim…

Well, its time to tell some shocking truths about Willard Mitt Romney. We all know the lamestream media is beholden to the Koch brothers and the Mormon church – they will never tell you the truth.

But I will.

Romney is a closet polygamist. Aave you ever heard him deny it? Where are his other wives, you ask? All of Romney’s boys are gay – their wives really belong to Romney! Doubt it? You never see these women kissing their “husbands” on TV (or if they do there’s obviously no passion; its all for show). The family has never agreed to DNA testing of any of Mitt’s supposed “grandchildren”. The Mormon church embraced polygamy from its foundation; it only disclaimed the practice so Utah would be admitted to Union. Mitt’s a big time Mormon bishop and he traces his family’s Mormon roots back to a time when polygamy was not only accepted but was mandated by the sect.

Romney takes orders from the ghost of Joseph Smith. His mission is to mandate Mormonism as the established religion of the entire world and thereby destroy the coffee, tea, liquor and bear industries. It’s a little known fact Romney has a huge investment in the sacred underwear trade. When the church controls the world his investment will grow ten thousand fold!

Romney is not eligible for the presidency. He wasn’t born in America – he wasn’t even born on this planet  but on Kolob, a distant Mormon planet whose location has never been revealed (why not – what do they have to hide?)

Romney may not even be human. There are rumors – which we are investigating – claiming Mitt is some kind of cyborg programmed to say or do anything to become overlord of  the world.

Is Romney a zombie? Why has he never submitted to a physical by an independent doctor? Why has he never appeared shirtless in public? Why are his facial expressions so off?

I assure you each of the above statements are absolutely true and completely factual. Visions is not afraid to stand up against the Mormon mafia! America deserves the TRUTH!! 

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click image for photo credit

Is this the secret Mormon manufacturing plant for Mormon cyborgs? Was Willard born here?? Why have we never seen his long form birth certificate???

MORMONS

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Flagrante Delicto!

Posted in erotic, FLICKR, memoir, photographers, PHOTOGRAPHY, sexual, Sexy, tennessee, Uncategorized, women with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2012 by cliffmichaels

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I didn’t decide to go to law school until I was a senior in college. Up till then my career plans were as vague as a foggy mountain winter dawn. I realized I had to do something, you know, to make an actual living. I didn’t know much of practical use at 21, but I had a pretty strong hunch a liberal arts degree wasn’t going to get me a good job, especially in the weak economy of 1970.

By the end of the summer of that year I did have a wife –  a wife who worked and, even better yet, a wife who was willing to continue working if I decided to forgo regular, full-time employment to continue going to school. This good fortune, however, was counter balanced by the shocking unwillingness of my parents to continue supporting me in the modest circumstances to which I had become accustomed. Something about good money after bad, they claimed.

I had a part time job, too. I worked a three hour late night shift at United Parcel Service. Virtually the entire nightshift crew was college students. The work wasn’t horribly hard and, for that time, it paid a decent wage. It also helped that in those bygone days tuition at the University of Tennessee was quite modest for instate students and I would not be forced into debt as students are today.

So, with a working wife, a part time job, no real debts, and not needing much ready cash to continue my education, I decided to try law school in the spring. I wasn’t worried about getting in; 1971 was well before everyone, all his siblings, most of his first cousins, (and many of his second) was besieging every law school in America and clamoring for admission. I aced the LSAT, then wasted a month or so before school started.

The first quarter I took the curriculum seriously. I studied hard, spending hours and hours in the law library (we had something called books back then). Despite working part time late at night and having early morning classes, at the end of those first three months I had one of the highest GPA’s in the class. I felt so proud of myself! Wow, I thought, I must be really good at this stuff!

Of course, once I realized law courses weren’t all that hard (no math, after all), my dedication to study soon atrophied, as did my GPA. I didn’t care. I knew I was still good at this stuff. I mean, when was the last time you asked your lawyer, doctor, accountant, or plumber what her GPA was in school?

Looking back, my legal career now seems as if it was inevitable – like Custer’s Last Stand, the sinking of the Titanic or the explosion of the Hindenburg (only without all the press attention). Now, after thirty-eight years fiddling third violin in the back row of the frequently dischordant legal orchestra, I am now  resigned to never becoming the soloist out front.

But, by God, I’m still good at it…

I’ve only recently realized I was, at birth, fated to practice law – it was inevitable! The signs were all there. And those signs continued to appear over the next twenty-one year! If I had only paid attention to them I’d be a high income plumber today!

First, I was late to my own birth. I hung around in that cozy uterus for as long as I could. Now I don’t know a lawyer who isn’t late, at least to court. When I was in my early days of practice, there was a Knoxville lawyer I admired, Joe Levitt, who was known, particularly by judges he practiced before, as the late Mr. Levitt. He had a habit of arriving to the courtroom an hour or two after his case was called, wearing a brown rumpled suit and carrying his battered brief case in one hand and a half eaten sandwich in the other.  Sadly, now that appellation is literally true. Of course, if I had been really late for my grand entry to this world, say weeks instead of days, I’d be a judge by now.

After I was born I whined and complained to both my parents. Not understanding the justice of my demands, they seemed callous judges. I thereafter learned to talk and by two I could say habeas corpus, caveat emptor, ipso facto, and coitus interruptus. It was only years into my law practice, however, I learned, and truly understood, the phrase vigilantibus non dormientibus aequitas subvenit. 

 In another obvious sign, when I was about ten or so I developed an absolute aversion to any kind of physical labor. That year my Pater familias wanted me to cut the grassIn the summmer heat! This was long before we had either a self-propelled or ride on mower. We had a stubborn push mower and a large, moderately hilly yard. It took almost an hour to do the entire job; when I was done I felt like Lawrence of Arabia deep in Wadi Rum, but not as well dressed.

I honed my verbal skills to convince Dad to excuse me from my agrostological chore. It was easy. He was an engineer and knew only three things: water flows downhill, you can’t push a rope, and you get paid twice a month. Of course, I was aided in my brief by the the mere existence of my youngest brother Pat, now old enough to assume my duties. I assured him cutting the grass would be a promotion for him, several steps up from emptying the trash. But he balked. Luckily for me, his only skill at argument to counter my suggestion to Dad he replace me was his ability to stomp his foot, shake his head and moan, “Jeez, Dad, its not fair”, a modus operandi our parents had long before learned to ignore.

Perhaps the surest sign of my future vocation came in 1962, when I was fourteen. The summer before beginning high school,  I engaged in my first serious debate. The venue was our neighbors’ front yard one late summer afternoon; my adversary was Donna, their pretty fourteen year old red headed daughter. Our audience was a handful of other neighborhood children. The subject of our debate, chosen by me, was female genital anatomy.  Although I had no sisters, after having avidly studied my parents’ 1945 plain black jacketed marriage manual and its copious, if sadly schematic, black and white anatomical drawings, I felt fully prepared and confidently argued to this girl she was clearly wrong about what lay between her own two legs. My arguments were cogent, logical, and, if I do say so myself, elegant in both composition and presentation – yet shockingly proved futile. Declaring me guilty of argumentum ad ignoratiam, she remained unyielding in the face of my attempts to seduce her with my tongue to the truth.  Still, anyone who watched our great debate would have surely concluded by the last light of the day I was destined to excel at the law.

My only regret other than my inability to convince Donna of the theoretical soundness of my position was my failure to demand she allow me to fully discover her demonstrable proof she claimed supported her position before starting the debate (it was nearly another fours years before similar discovery came to hand for close and frequent study and my juvenile erratum were at last revealed to me).

Of course, if I had actually convinced Donna what she saw in her hand mirror when she examined her nether regions was wrong, I would not only be a lawyer today, but a very, very, very rich one as well…

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Dear reader, should you think ill of my tales, or doubt their veracity, I urge you to recall this Latin phrase:

Dubia in meliorem partem interpretari debent

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Quo senior, eo immortalitati propinquior

For photo credits, click an image. All images, and my remixes, subject to this creative commons license

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