Common Sense & Sleaze

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Thank God the National Rifle Association finally weighed in Friday with its tipically compassionate common sense! You can always count on the good old NRA in a  crises!

The much maligned NRA isn’t about guns at all; its a humane service organization. Its all about people – particularly our precious children – and protecting them from the bloody carnage of our cesspool society.

Friday the NRA brilliantly proposed to make our children safer by posting armed guards in every one of the one hundred thousand schools, from kindergarten to high school, in the country! The sages at the NRA know guns don’t kill people! Guns protect people!! It’s just common sense: the more guns around you the safer you are. The higher the caliber the lower your risk. Pistols are good. Rifles are better. Semi-automatic rifles are better still.  If only the wimps in congress would legalize fifty cal machine guns we’d live in the safest country in the world! Wayne Lapierre is a prophet (as was the saintly Chuck Heston).

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But, you ask, what about the cost of the NRA Safer Schools proposal? While it may not be insignificant, its well worth it to keep our kids safe and sound.

OK, so let’s see…  Suppose we need to put three and a half guards in each school… Hmm… Lets say we have annual payroll for each guard of $20,000… Gotta buy the guns, too – thats another $150 per man (you can get a used Smith & Wesson for a song these days)… Insurance?  $1,000. Benefits? Throw in another $1,000. Training? Another grand.. A annual total per guard cost of $23,150; per school it’s $81,000. Eight billion for all schools…   Is that right?? Think so… Not as bad as I thought…

Total for all schools over ten years: 80 billion bucks. Yep. Math seems right. We could easily pay this cost by shaving a few percentage points off the budgets of Medicare, food stamps, unemployment compensation and Social Security.

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Oh, sure, I guess we ought to figure the cost of guards screwing up. Suppose five or six students, teachers or strangers get shot each year, with half dying. Over ten years that’s 55 total casualties with around thirty dead. Say $1,000,000 per settlement. Oh, that’s peanuts – just fifty plus million over ten years. A mere rounding error. A few guards will shoot themselves every year, too, incurring workers compensation. Toss in another five million over a decade. Again, peanuts.

I concede there might be a tiny bit of freedom lost and maybe an excess of criminal prosecution of students, teachers and school custodians. But its too hard to put a cost on that – so we’ll let it pass. Besides, giving up a few of the Bill of Rights’ protections (except, of course, for the Second amendment’s) to keep our little ones safe in school is a small price to pay.

On the other hand, there’ll be a big increase in gun sales (like having Obama elected every year!) The uniform, badge and boot trades will get a boost as well. Our whole economy will get a huge shot!

Although it wasn’t mentioned in the NRA presser, there’s an obvious – and huge – next step!!

Once our schools are protected by a wall of hot lead, those poor souls tortured and debauched by TV & movies, video games, media sensationalism, and – as always – Godless liberals, will naturally turn their murderous fury in other, more vulnerable directions. Churches, hospitals, museums, parks, sports stadiums, beaches, restaurants, golf courses, NASCAR races, bowling alleys, shopping malls, holiday parades, state Republican conventions, rodeos, “gentlemen’s clubs” and other public gathering places will all face an unacceptable increased risk.

We’ll need a lot more good men (and a few good women) with guns to protect us all from the ever surging tide of bad men with guns, men manufactured like so many defective toasters in the devilish factories spawned by our corrupt society –  men who will threaten to spill our loved ones’ blood in the years to come.

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Suppose ten million vulnerable spots… Five guards per spot…

Gosh!

We’ll need another FIFTY MILLION armed sentinels!! I guess we will need a whole bunch of volunteers. If we buy each of our volunteers a Bushmaster at about $1,400 per we can keep total costs under $77,000,000,000!

Wait!! OMG, the best answer to our problem is so obvious! I’m an idiot…

We can cut most of the cost by simply mandating that every able-bodied American citizen must purchase a semiautomatic firearm – with his own money! – and then must openly carry it whenever he’s in public. If we get rid of that background check nonsense (and relax the mental health restrictions  – most mentally ill folks still function reasonably well and would be helped by having an exciting outdoor job with police authority), we can put together our volunteer security force (hmmm, we could call it the GEneral Sentinel Tactical Organized Protective Order (GeSTOPO)  quicker than you can say JackBootedThug! 

Brilliant, isn’t it!? Just brilliant!

But don’t thank me. Thank Wayne LaPierre  and the National Rifle Association (and send them a check…)

Now if we are wise enough to just follow the NRA’s lead we will be nearer to ending gun violence in our nation. Don’t let lefty politicians and those do-gooder gun nuts who want to neuter our Second Amendment rights fool you. Just get yourself another gun or two (or four or twenty) and help us make America a safer place. Its just such common sense…

…I mean, what could possibly go wrong!??

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