While there is of course nothing I could write today about the Connecticut shooting that would be original or truly meaningful, it does seem important to mention it. Because of the number killed and tender age of most of the victims, this episode of lunatic gun frenzy seems worse than the dozens of others in my lifetime.
The sad litany of voices and arguments we have heard after each massacre has begun. “Guns don’t kill children people do.” “It’s too early! Don’t politicize this tragedy!” “How can anyone defend automatic weapons and twenty shot magazines!?” ” Why is America so obsessed with firearms?”
Mike Huckabee won the race to be the first right wing pundit to bleat that tired old pro-gun talking point: if that teacher had only had a gun…” Yes, I can see it now. As the crazed shooter breaks into the classroom brandishing his semi-automatic pistols, our teacher frantically hunts for her over sized handbag, hurriedly digs through the layers of junk for her six shooter. takes time to load (wouldn’t want to have a loaded gun in a room full of curious kindergarten kids), then calmly turns toward the madman and drills him right between the eyes – after he’s had time to mow down only half the class (all this assumes the killer is too dumb to shoot the teacher first)!
Huckabee missed the obvious answer: the kids should have been packing. Your average seven year old, and precocious five and six year olds, are certainly mature enough to carry concealed weapons (if properly trained). Imagine how this tragedy would have been avoided if an entire class of elementary school children had pulled their guns from their backpacks and then riddled the unsuspecting villain with a fusillade of well aimed hot lead!
My solution would crete a whole new market for the firearm industry. Tiny shots from tiny tots! Girls would likely gravitate toward Barbie’s BAM-BAM pink Derringer, while boys would drool over pearl handled shiny six shooters specially crafted to fit comfortably in little boy hands. If these small firearms don’t have enough stopping power the makers could easily offer the kids hollow point ammunition for just a few dollars more. To be sure our pint sized posses are full of deadeye marks-boys/girls, school recess could be replaced with mandatory target and fast draw practice.
Why, I suspect that when a majority of first through third graders start carrying guns their grades will shoot way up. Little Billy’s Glock will help his teachers see just how truly special he is (“Ms. Smith, your little Billy has made real progress on his anger issues. We want to promote him to middle school – tomorrow!”) And there may even be other benefits as well. No more playground bullies?
Sadly, thanks to the liberal elite in our country my common sense plan to stop school shootouts will never see the light of day. It’ll be the same thing that happened when I proposed giving obsolete artillery pieces to the Boy Scouts…
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