Are You a Lib’rul?

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There are dozens and dozens of horrible chronic diseases in the world. Some will eventually kill you; others just leave you disabled and miserable. Some of these scourges attack your body, some your mind.

The worst of all attack your soul. I suffer from one of these cruel and pernicious maladies – a pestilential horror that withers the mind: liberalism. I have lived with my affliction since I was eighteen years of age, when I discovered arugula and folk music. I fell in with the wrong crowd my freshman year in college and was  soon ravaged by the virulent toxins of belief in equality and a suspicion of authority!

The truth is I was probably already doomed by my choice of college: Swarthmore, an elitist, hotbed of leftyness, political protest and free love (except for me) just outside of Philadelphia. Liberals and radicals were everywhere; rumor had it ninety percent of the teachers were infected by Trotskyism

Before I knew it I was participating in anti-war (Vietnam) rallies, letting my hair grow long, and visiting the Philadelphia Museum of Art (but only the modern art wing). Then, and I can scarcely believe it even today, I began listening to public radio, and worse –  reading the New York Times. I lost all self-respect. A southern born white male, I had become a cultural traitor. I hung my head in shame but was powerless to stop my descent into the putrid delirium of secular humanism.

By the end of the school year my infection had become incurable. My parents, good Republicans, tried to save me. I was sent to rehabilitation center in Alabama (the John Birch Society‘s Home for Wayward Youth) where I was forced to listen to country music and watch Dragnet and read every book ever written by Robert Heinlein. Nothing helped. After a personal intervention by William F. Buckley, Jr., failed to shake my faith in Social Security, I was thrown out of the Home late on a Monday night. The next week I joined the Democratic party.

It’s too late for me. But at least I can warn others of the dangers. Here are 23 questions designed to probe you for any signs of inection by the dreaded virus known as progressivism. Five yes answers and you may be at risk of losing some of your faith in Ronald Reagan, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and Shawn Hannity; seven or more and you are in peril and must immediately re-read Rick Santorum’s book It Take’s a Family and send a substantial donation to  Jerry Falwell.

Ten yesses or more and you are, tragically, beyond savings.

LIB’RUL INFECTION TEST

Answer yes or no to each of the following questions

1. As a teenager, did you actually read the articles in Playboy?

2. Are you convinced Lake Wobegon is a real place?

3. Does your  composter turn you on?

4. Do you think  Tammy Wynette  should have left her man?

5. Do you fantasize about a four way with the Dixie Chicks?

6. Would you rather be damned to the everlasting fires of Hell than live in Mississippi?

7. Do you think birkenstocks are sexy?

8. Was your first wet dream about Jane Fonda?

9. Do you agree owning a Hummer should be a capital offense?

10. Do you believe the Holy Trinity refers to Peter, Paul and Mary?

11. Were you still a virgin when you graduated from high school?

12. From College??

13. From graduate school???

14. Despite all the evidence, do you actually believe Barrack Obama wasn’t born in Africa?

15. Do you go so far as to think Obama is a Christian?

16. Are you still not convinced Obama is the Anti-Christ?

17. Are donuts and hand tools part of the vast right wing conspiracy?

18. Do you know all the words to Kumbaya?

19. Do you agree every single Republican you’ve ever met is a fascistic, moronic, racist, sexist, homophobic, mendacious, drooling capitalistic pig bent on drastically cutting government, eliminating social security, ruining the environment, repealing the 14th Amendment and eating small children (except for your grandparents, of course, who, God bless them, are just demented)?

20. Do you think Dennis Kucinich is too conservative?

21. Do you believe modern conservatives are just Neanderthals who failed to evolve?

21. Do you secretly pray for Richard Dawkins to be named Pope?

22. Do you struggle to remain humble even though you know you are so much smarter than everyone else?

23. Does Ann Coulter haunt your dreams?

Photo credit: Mgleiss, subject to this creative commons license

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