Just an Ordinary Sunday


Photo by Camil Tulcan, remixed by me, both images subject to this ecreative commons license 

Another  Sunday... 

By my rough calculation, this is my  6,474th Sunday. That’s a depressingly large number. With any luck I might manage another 1,300 Sundays. That’s a depressingly small number.

Here’s a recap of what I was doing on various Sundays during my life…

Sunday #6: Slept most of the day, threw up, cried for three and a half hours. Shit in my diapers four times, peed five times, drank formula seven times. Burped 16 times. Contemplated the meaning of life.

Sunday #57: First successful walk (seven and a third feet – Veered to the left).

Sunday #107: First real words spoken  (contingency fee).

Sunday #328: About to start first grade. Lunch (cookies, sandwich, juice) will be stolen 31 times over the school year.

Sunday #384: Have surgery, eat ice cream, sleep twelve hours. Dream about the Rule in Shelley’s Case.

Sunday #471: Discover girls (first crush: Elizabeth Vanwinkle). Watch World of Disney. Get dogs to eat bugs.

Sunday #629: Think about sex 216 times (true for every Sunday thereafter till today, average daily number – 188). Read Superman comic book, drink malted milk, watch our brand new color TV. Dream about the  Statute of Frauds.

Sunday 663: Now in Del Mar, California. Find stash of Playboy magazines. Fall in love with Janet Pilgrim and her Big Beautiful Boobs.

Sunday #679:  Try to get laid. Fail. Try again with same result. Shoplift ice cream from A&P. Learn to surf.

Sunday #680: Try to get laid. Fail. Surf. Steal paint. Get caught. Give up my life of crime. Dream about the Eighth Amendment’s ban of cruel and inhuman punishment.

Sunday #731: Now in Virginia. Discover masturbation. Worry I might go blind, but do it another 29 times that next week. In a sinister development, left hand grows amazingly strong.

Sundays #753 through 939: In Tennessee again. High school. Miserable for next 208 Sundays (except Sunday #912 when I almost get laid; girl thinks better of the idea and puts her clothes  back on when I can’t get rubber on).

Sunday #940: Finally got laid the night before; still euphoric. Relieved I will not enter college a virgin. Dream of Griswold v. Connecticut.

Sundays #951 through 1,100: Attend college, get laid infrequently. Become a left wing, elitist, fellow traveling Fabianistic, anti-war, un-American, hippie, dope smoking child of the Sixties. Dream about the First Amendment and the right to  peaceably assemble.

Sunday #1,117: Discover I  can’t get a job. Decide to go to law school.

Sunday #1,124 – 1,279. Get married. Attend law school. Discover my talent for bullshit. Discover I can’t play chess. Smoke dope and freak out. Put on twenty pounds. Buy Ford Pinto. Play  Pong.

Sunday #1,287 – today: Practice law. Win 691 cases; lose 519; settle 1,391. Get famous (Sunday #2,156 – 2,302). Regain obscurity (Sunday #2,303 – present). Dream of the entire contents of Tennessee Code Annotated.

Sunday #1,875: Remarry. Fuck like a rabbit.  Dream about the Magna Carta.

Sunday #1,876 – present: Obscurity deepens. Run for judgeship. Lose big. Run again, lose even bigger. Dabble in kinky sex. Discover the Internet. Watch porn. Discover Flickr. Waste $4,125.47 on photography hobby. Take 27,000 photos.  Start drawing Social Security. Contemplate the meaning of  life.

Photo by Meme Farel, remixed by me, both images subject to this creative commons license

Farel’s Fond of Yellow 

FLICKR GROUP: Easy Like Sunday Morning

Read all of VISIONS

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