Just an Ordinary Sunday
Photo by Camil Tulcan, remixed by me, both images subject to this ecreative commons license
By my rough calculation, this is my 6,474th Sunday. That’s a depressingly large number. With any luck I might manage another 1,300 Sundays. That’s a depressingly small number.
Here’s a recap of what I was doing on various Sundays during my life…
Sunday #6: Slept most of the day, threw up, cried for three and a half hours. Shit in my diapers four times, peed five times, drank formula seven times. Burped 16 times. Contemplated the meaning of life.
Sunday #57: First successful walk (seven and a third feet – Veered to the left).
Sunday #107: First real words spoken (contingency fee).
Sunday #328: About to start first grade. Lunch (cookies, sandwich, juice) will be stolen 31 times over the school year.
Sunday #384: Have surgery, eat ice cream, sleep twelve hours. Dream about the Rule in Shelley’s Case.
Sunday #471: Discover girls (first crush: Elizabeth Vanwinkle). Watch World of Disney. Get dogs to eat bugs.
Sunday #629: Think about sex 216 times (true for every Sunday thereafter till today, average daily number – 188). Read Superman comic book, drink malted milk, watch our brand new color TV. Dream about the Statute of Frauds.
Sunday #679: Try to get laid. Fail. Try again with same result. Shoplift ice cream from A&P. Learn to surf.
Sunday #680: Try to get laid. Fail. Surf. Steal paint. Get caught. Give up my life of crime. Dream about the Eighth Amendment’s ban of cruel and inhuman punishment.
Sundays #753 through 939: In Tennessee again. High school. Miserable for next 208 Sundays (except Sunday #912 when I almost get laid; girl thinks better of the idea and puts her clothes back on when I can’t get rubber on).
Sunday #940: Finally got laid the night before; still euphoric. Relieved I will not enter college a virgin. Dream of Griswold v. Connecticut.
Sundays #951 through 1,100: Attend college, get laid infrequently. Become a left wing, elitist, fellow traveling Fabianistic, anti-war, un-American, hippie, dope smoking child of the Sixties. Dream about the First Amendment and the right to peaceably assemble.
Sunday #1,117: Discover I can’t get a job. Decide to go to law school.
Sunday #1,287 – today: Practice law. Win 691 cases; lose 519; settle 1,391. Get famous (Sunday #2,156 – 2,302). Regain obscurity (Sunday #2,303 – present). Dream of the entire contents of Tennessee Code Annotated.
Sunday #1,875: Remarry. Fuck like a rabbit. Dream about the Magna Carta.
Sunday #1,876 – present: Obscurity deepens. Run for judgeship. Lose big. Run again, lose even bigger. Dabble in kinky sex. Discover the Internet. Watch porn. Discover Flickr. Waste $4,125.47 on photography hobby. Take 27,000 photos. Start drawing Social Security. Contemplate the meaning of life.
Photo by Meme Farel, remixed by me, both images subject to this creative commons license
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